Let me start with this: I’m not a germaphobe by any means, I just hate social interaction. I have an issue with dapping people up. I have never grasped the concept, or the need to slap other’s hands when I am entering and leaving a room.. Now don’t get me wrong if it’s the first time meeting someone… fine. I’ll comply to the social construct of touching hands. The part that gets me is that I have to do it with the people I see on a regular basis. I don’t see the need that every time I see you I have to touch your hand. It’s crazy to me. You could have just been jerking off before we met up at the bar to watch my bets inevitably lose, for all I knoq. “I JUST SAW YOU YESTERDAY. IM NOT TOUCHING YOUR HAND AGAIN!!!” This is where my hatred toward the “dap up” and the “dap out” come from. Why do I need to touch your hand in order to leave, cause otherwise it’s “rude”. This isn’t a family holiday party where I have to go person-to-person and say goodbye because God know’s granny might not make it into next week. I’m sure my friends are at a higher risk of death than my grandmother is, but if my friends were to ever shame me for my Irish goodbye I may have to kick them in the dick to make sure they still have it.
Being that I have such strong feelings about the dap in and dap out, I’ve begun to implement protocol to avoid it. I’ve done the fist bump method, the always have my hand full method, the “I just washed my hands method”. There are millions out there. In my everyday life, to avoid having to greet people with a hand touch, a simple “Hey, I’m Slip” should be more than enough. No need to feel your clammy hands. Aside from the physical touching of the hand, There’s always the mystery of the “pull-in for the back patting” guy, and the “snap after hand grab” kind of guy, these breeds are unlimited and equally awkward. So I’ve done away with it all together. The reaction people have when I refuse to touch them is priceless. It has made me exponentially happier. Don’t get me wrong, it has probably resulted in people not wanting to associate with me, and that is amazing… people suck.
For anyone out there who wants to stop touching everyone you meet’s hands, here’s a simple out. The second you see someone going in for the dap up… you simple say, “I don’t do that” and you leave it at that. The person on the other side of that interaction’s body begins to lose all motor functions, and their brain almost melts, “What do I do with my hand?”, “why won’t he touch my hand?”, “is he a germaphobe?”, “do I have something weird on my hand?”. The questions that are running through that poor guy’s head are endless. Typically, after about a second or two of awkward silence they just go “ok”. And the interaction is over. Now you can go about eating your wings without another persons hand oils in yours, and you didn’t even have to go and wash them.
This is obviously a more specific interaction. Women are much more complex creatures and I have not figured out a way to avoid the hug, other than an awkward wave. I don’t try to avoid all women’s hugs, just the ones I don’t want to try and fuck at a later date. So if any of you out there have a system that works just let me know. “The less human contact, the better” is what I always say… it probably plays a major role in my depression, but fuck it.