There are a lot of great pleasures in life. One of these would be saving up and buying something nice… enjoying the reward of working hard and achieving an accomplishment. Buying that $300 pair of shoes, investing in a mortgage in your mid-20’s, buying an awesome car… wow, what a great feeling! Unfortunately, these are all assets (minus the shoes, really).
I like to follow the new golden rule: Don’t spend money unless there is nothing to show for it afterwards. Throwing $200 on an ice hockey game is exhilarating… it’s something that a loosely knit pair of track shoes, with a washed up rapper’s endorsement, could never bring you. You pay $200 for a ticket that prints out and tells you it may turn into $400. What is the point of this one may ask? If it works and turns into 400, then you can print more tickets! If not, well fuck it… keep on trying anyway. Doesn’t that sound a lot more fun than spending it on a car note? If you said no, well it may not sound like more fun… but it definitely IS more fun. This is an incredible way to lose money! You are now paying hundreds of dollars to watch a sporting event that is free, Cheers!
If you don’t want to lose money by watching free sports, There is an option that may better suit you. We can literally throw money on a stage, for you to never get back. Why would you throw money on a stage? Because there is a naked girl on it. That makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? At least with sports gambling there’s a chance of your money being returned. At a “Gentlemen’s” club, the only thing you’re gonna get in return is a nauseating smell of musty yeast caked to your septum for the next 7 days. If you’re lucky you can get stared down by one of the performers’ boyfriends while you throw money at her. I could only assume that these are the nicest and most normal guys anyway… who wouldn’t like to watch their significant other be successful? The fact of the matter is, after spending 300 dollars on drinks and women who are strung out and sharing their diseases on a mounted Festivus Pole, you and the group of guys and gals that you attended with get to take a 45 minute trip home and say “What the fuck just happened”. At least we are able to go to sleep that night knowing that we funded a future doctor’s education, who will hopefully create a new way to get fucked up without killing us.
Do you really want to lose money? I do! I try so hard everyday… The one positive thing in this for other people is that I tip 60%-70% on bills (hear that ladies? I’m so generous). It’s an easy thing to spend money on and get no return. Besides that, I buy takeout meals, eat half and throw the rest away. I throw money in pay-for-play apps and daily fantasy sports. I go online and buy ridiculous shit that I’ll never use. When paying at a store, if my change is $3.00… I say keep the change. The faces you get from these cashiers are priceless (Please try this), you’d think from their reaction, that you just told them that you want to cut off your own dick and eat it. What could I possibly do with three dollars, buy a soda? Yeah… I think I’ll still be able to afford a drink without those three singles. Why do I do this shit? Because It’s fun. People are so frugal and annoying that it makes me want to waste my money, just to prove that these people are idiots. It’s really the ultimate win.
If you don’t think about it, this is a great way to ensure a happy life.